NOT TO EASY NOT TO HARD: Mystery To Solve

QUESTIONING MYSELF:

I was thinking when someone goes through depression and doesn't find a way to get out of that, What is that a person should do? What about people and situations, those are around you? Does it really help? Can you break barriers some time? There must be a practical way out.

There is a thought that is coming to my mind. Which is When you are depressed and can't find a way out, you have two options. One easy and temporary and second a bit hard but permanent. 

First easy and temporary: Divert your attention to something similar which is causing pain. For example: You lost a relationship enter into something new, you lost one business start something new, you lost a family member make some new friends or meet some relatives and engage with them for some time, day and night. You will feel some instant relief for a shorter period of time.

But the ghost will not leave you and back of the mind it will keep hitting you and sooner or later you will face similar depression.

Second one a bit hard but long lasting...

That's is when you feel depression you need to start finding out: What is causing that depression and see the root cause and then help others to come out of that.

For example: You lost a relationship, you are not able to forget that relationship what you need to do is to pen down the great things about that relationship and then also write down things that caused failures to happen. It will just open your mind to both sides and then you will reach to a situation wherein at least you will have clarity- it might not help in immediate relief but in long run it is going to be a great help.

However, this is not the end now the second step is to make a plan where in you can help others in relationship to learn about those good and bad things in advance. You have to see it fully and accept that society at large is at pain and what's there you can do to eliminate that pain.

See everything happens for a reason, we have heard it a million times, but we don’t accept generally and that is absolutely fine because end of the day we are humans and humans have this great ability to have Ocean of Emotions and with them it’s not easy to digest pain and accept the concept of Acceptance so easily.

But Sincerely think for a moment: Why you have been given that pain by universe. Is not for the reason that you learn and not commit same mistake again. Has it not been given to you so that you can learn and help others so that they don't get into pain. You are in tremendous pain and can’t feel like coming out of it, then does it not becomes your responsibility that no one else should feel the same pain and for that you have to act in contradiction to pain and start spreading happiness around so that no one else get have to go through that painful journey and surprisingly the more you help others to get out of pain and depression the more you will feel relieved.

It is necessary also that you first eliminate that pain forever and learn from past then move forward, Because, if without elimination you will enter into something new be it a new relationship or business or something else. You are inviting another failure and bigger depression shortly.

But the Big question is how will you do that? How will you help others to come out and spread happiness? 

AM I DEPRESSED?

I came to know about certain interesting facts, once you will know them you might get shocked. These are related to the origin of depression. It’s about why depression actually happens:

In normal scenarios, we just see that symptoms or what actually happened but we can't see why it happened and after happening of the same, why this thing is bothering you so much, actually we can't see the problem 99% of the time. 

If I ask you why you are depressed what will u say" Normally u would say either I don't know, or I am feeling ditched or I lost something"

Isn’t it? Please check your answer or try to listen to your inner voice? You will on the first place will get above answers only. So to understand this, We need to watch things carefully and club various concepts with reality.

There are basically Two aspects to it:

Firstly, We all have needs and if we refer Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which says that’s there are 5 type of needs which everyone has, “Physiological needs, Security needs, Social needs, Esteem needs and Self actualisation needs”. All these play a pivotal role in whatever we do, act or think. 

Secondly there is a mental conditioning. We are designed and brought up to only achieve and gain things. We are not at all designed or trained to lose.

Are we taught to lose or fail? anywhere in this world or in any book, any class. Despite some of the management book says learn to fail but by the time it is said, it’s too late. Whatever we learn till the age of 5 becomes 95% part of our personality. Which clearly tells we are not trained or designed to lose?

Now see this minutely and practically... Everybody in this world is at a particular level at “Hierarchy of needs”, everyone is just struggling to fulfil that need of oneself and in that effort one puts in entire mental and physical energy. One just drinks it, eats it, breathe it and just lives it day and night, moment by moment, step by step, action by action, emotion by emotions and it just becomes part of one’s existence. That needs most of the times becomes larger than the person himself. Which leads to a situation that any point of time those needs have much larger chunk of energy than the person itself.

CONCEPT OF UMBILICAL CORD:

It’s a bit complicated to understand but It’s like a mother’s womb. The day need gets conceptualized it acts like an embryo in mother's womb. Which needs a protection and some place to get fertilized and for start growing in ones inner self day by day and week by week and gradually it keeps growing inside without much of an effort and slowly it gets connected with human mind and soul as “UMBILICAL CORD”. 

And now starts the game, what happens actually is that, one experience’s such a great need for that thing in the mind and heart that all the actions start flowing in that direction and one reaches at a stage wherein if by any chance, it finds that whatever one was chasing with the energy of one's soul is lost or have failed miserably. There could be any reason internal or external, controllable or uncontrollable, it just finds oneself dead.

The reason is simple for one that need becomes part of the existence and suddenly someone Stole that piece from it, answer me if all of a sudden it happens with you, what will you do? You can do nothing because at this juncture you know nothing else. You have given entire energy of life to that thing and there was no other alternative you had and now since you have lost all that purpose or need fulfilment you are like lost a battle warrior. A lost warrior gets no redemption, it loses home, city, family, money and above all the self-respect. 

Alas!! Now your soul will not let you live. Your umbilical cord is cut, there is no supply of oxygen and food, you can no longer hear the heartbeat which kept you alive and engaged, Now You can only cry, shout, throw your hands and legs or just simply die. So, to survive, you need world's protection and unfortunately you get no hands to support you. It just really feels dead until someone comes and gives you a motherly touch and feeds you. Now that's another story.

LIFE: THE BIGGEST MYSTERY

The bigger problem is that life is not what we feel. Everyone has one's own needs and selfish desires. Now here starts story that what is needed to be done once you are stuck in such a situation where in you are experiencing that YOUR UMBILICAL CORD IS CUT, you have lost something which was precious to you and you can’t survive any more.

Remember one thing here when we talk about a need somewhere all our actions and thoughts makes it our objective or goal or purpose of life without which we can't survive. You can be a living being physically but deep within you are not alive. You get paralyzed, you feel dead because that need was so stronger that it let all your energies flow in that direction which made it the purpose of your existence and till that time that need is fulfilled you can't dream of touching or moving to next level of Hierarchy (Refer Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs mentioned earlier)

For example. You belong to a family which is on the verge of non-existence. You have no food, no shelter, no clothes. No means of earning living hood like job or business or financial aid. What will be your motivation for existence? Your need will automatically be driven to achieve more on physiological things. And driven by that need whenever you start action following can happen:

A- You gain nothing and all your efforts yield no results. 

B- You got preliminary success but sooner or later you lost whatever was achieved.

In both the scenarios you are going to face depression. Mark my word. In both the scenarios you are going to face depression. Similar is the situation when you are in a relationship and you lose it after some time, similar is the level when you have overcome physiological needs and but you are worried about retaining them and about your future security, Similar is at a level when you are a successful person have overcome all three levels of Hierarchy but still feels depressed.

Now understand what is happening step by step.

In phase one we said- You will gain nothing and your efforts yield no results. The best way to realize it through a relationship scenario. You are at the third level of hierarchy where your social needs play a role and it is the stage wherein you can think about a love relationship. Because somewhere you know that your physiological needs are fulfilled basis your family background or you will overcome them easily. There is no worry about security that will also come. Your mind and heart puts you in such a situation that you start demanding love/relationship in your life so that you may feel happy, connected and successful.

However, it’s not true for all, for some people it never happens, they never rise above the past struggles of basic needs and hence whenever their heart talks about love need, they just crush it on external basis or they don't enter in a relationship as somewhere they start generating a feeling inside that nobody in this world is made for them or they just don't deserve or need love or a good relationship, could it be a marriage or some love affair etc. Surprisingly it happens with a big section of people and since they don't feel any energy left in them to achieve this they start going in depression.

But the depression of class B is bigger and that's really killing. The situation wherein all your actions got you to a successful love relationship and stage wherein you got connected with your need as UMBILICAL CORD. 

"LOVE JUMPS AND PUMPS, YOU UP "

Now what happens that you gave all your heart, mind and soul to the person you loved because somewhere that person is fulfilling your social needs which means that person is giving you love, he is able to give you a family and all the comforts you need and you start seeing that person as an essential part of life. You start dreaming a beautiful life filled with achievements with him/her but all of a sudden or slowly things starts going southwards and you lose him/ her. Something which was not in your weirdest of the dream becomes reality overnight. Or in some cases you might be knowing that association is not easy but you made him/her part of you, it will cause Pain for sure, Not only a simple pain, but A Huge amount of Pain. An unbearable pain will arise, as you tasted blood, as you tasted success and you knew that he/she can be the torch bearer or medium through which you will reach to the next level of hierarchy and now that person is no more there.

Your heart and soul demands him/her back in life but due to any factor they can’t come back, which could be self-imposed reasons, internal or external factors or situations. You just have nothing left. Because you connected yourself with the person as umbilical cord of life and since that person is no more with you. You don’t know how to breathe, live, remain happy or move forward in life. Your world is broken in front of your eyes and in most of the time for none of your fault or forced out of circumstances.

Now you are left with limited options in life to overcome this life and death depressing scenarios:

A- Keep crying till the time you reach to a stage of complete depression and even medication can't help you and maybe you develop suicidal tendencies

B- You consult a psychiatrist and find some anti-depressants. Keep sleeping and die of self-guilt every day.

C- You get up try to find another partner who can take u through the same cycle for some time. It could be a new love relationship, it could be settlement for arranged marriage, it could be something silly like this, which will end in another depression sooner or later.

D- You do some introspection and try to find why that person left you or you were forced to let go. See from his/her eyes for a moment: Think whatever is written below one thinks the same about you, try to find What was the reason for failure of that beautiful relationship.

(Please note: I shall be just using She just for the ease of reading, nothing specific for any gender)

But Don't talk about that She used to spy on me, or She was too much possessive. Or She was giving too much value to her family, She was cheating on me... No all these are excuses.

You have to just put things differently. Just put these on Maslow’s hierarchy and then whatever you will find will not only surprise you rather it will shock you. So, you need to see each point broadly and see what she would have thought about this relationship and these could be like these:

-          He loved me, but he has no standing what so ever, he won’t be able to fulfil my “PHYSIOLOGICAL” needs effectively (Food, Cloth, Shelter etc.). I myself or My family will not allow such a person to be my Husband/ Life partner.

-          He was able to give me love, but wasn't able to give me “SECURITY” as he wasn't sure about his job, business or career objective.

-          He never showed that he will be able to give me “SOCIAL” success and recognition to the extent I deserve (list down specific reason)

-          He couldn’t show that he will be able to contribute towards fulfilling “ESTEEM” needs.

-          He couldn’t match my “SELF-ACTUALIZATION” dreams or desires and wasn't sure about me that I would give him a lifelong support which he deserved on mental or physical level, Trust and other emotional things may be and achieve highest level of self-awareness.

When you put all these things on the needs hierarchy you will find the answer why he or she left you and this clarity will bring some anger initially but will give you huge comfort, by knowing that why such separation occurred. It could be other way around that you were forced to take some hard decision (Maybe you have still not overcome that person and that is causing depression) and somewhere in back of your mind have no clarity why such separation happened. Use the scale and answer will tell you reality and the moment you will understand it, you will come to know the reason and fact of life and in most of the scenarios such clarity helps in eliminating depression as you can see the REALITY And you can act accordingly for FUTURE.

Apply this for all other types of Depression getting caused by different factors. Just pick the issue, put it on 5 levels, ask questions to yourself and simply write answers with utmost clarity based on each parameter, rest assured you will get all the right answers and root causes will be in front of you as crystal clear.

IT IS TIME TO ACT FURTHER

                                                                                                                                                                                          

Now you know the scientific reason behind such depression or feelings of unknown which kept you in deep pain, it’s time to act further and you need to start by doing this. 

 A. Forgive the person because it’s not his or her fault that he moved on. It’s you who couldn't fit into his needs anymore. (Simply for financial/ business failures too, just imagine the reason and Forgive the person who was behind it)

B. Accept that such things happen in life and we can do nothing about these.

C. You need to understand all these deeply and now make an informed decision that what you want actually. Should you simply find another person or go for a BIGGER OBJECTIVE which can take YOU to next level of hierarchy.

For example: Once u lost a relationship. Don't rush or go for another in a hurry. Rather Focus on something bigger in life may be next level of need like you failed in relationship now try to get some Esteem related things. Get some job, Go for some social service, Write something which can inspire you and others, Do something which can help you achieve Something BIG and MEANINGFUL. This will help you to stabilize, introspect and generate some confidence to overcome depression truly, Once it is achieved then only if required, you must think about entering into a relationship else sooner You will see that your relationship need is fulfilled and immediately you will start looking for fulfillment of other needs and that time this new person will also fail miserably and again you will dive into a pain from which there will be no way to come out, you will not only lose him, but also will lose all hopes to recover ever in life. It is hard to implement but unfortunately that's the only way for a longer happiness.

Same thing stands for another depression issues, what is required to do is “Just dissect the issue, place in model and Start working on bigger things, taste some success and then come back you will surely get what you wanted but for a longer period this time”.

If you can’t do this than wait for bigger disaster to happen, mark my word, If you don't do so and you move on to new relationship or assignments, sooner or later the ghost of past relationship or failure will grab you and you will find yourself in deeper pain and with an inability to never recover back.

"So the only way is to see the big picture, check all the points, prepare yourself, find a bigger purpose and start acting on that and when you feel time is yours, you are all free to make your choices and win the world"